i have moved

i have moved...if you need to look for me, you can find me here...
www.oftalesuntold.wordpress.com

Long Long Ago

I spoke to this really old friend today. We were best friends in school. Completely different people, completely different backgrounds, completely different upbringing. She was a punjabi who lived in a palatial house in Alipore and I was this middle class bengali girl who hailed from Santoshpur. Except for the two " purs" that were the same, there was nothing that was similar. But somehow somewhere we really bonded. And when i say we bonded, I mean that Iv never had a friend like her. We were very fond of each other and we shared the deepest secrets that we wouldnt tell anybody else. T was a very popular girl in school and everybody was quite fond of her. Its not that we spent all our time together in school. We had the same group of friends and we never hung out solely with each other but when it came to talking about something, we didnt know anybody else.

T moved out after Class X and joined another school which was more up her league. And surprisingly we lost touch. We did meet once in a while because her sister also studied in my school and she often came to pick up her sister. We smiled and hugged but something somewhere went wrong and there was a coldness between us. After that, we went separate ways and she went abroad to study. Though we never kept in touch, I always knew her whereabouts from other friends who had heard from her. She didnt keep in touch with anybody in particular but we knew where she was and what she was doing.

It wasnt until last year December that I suddenly got this urge to get in touch. I had this wierd dream where she was calling out to me and I couldnt reach out. I spent a whole day in office just calling up random people trying to get in touch with T and looking for her number. And then I suddenly got it. I called her with a lot of mixed feelings. Would she remember me? Would she even care that I called? would she bother to even speak to me?And I found myself just dialling her number and hearing her voice at the other end of the line. I said hello in a very shaky voice, almost not knowing what to say and she just caught on to my words . She said that she saw a picture of a girl the other day who reminded her of me. and it all eased out. We spoke for an hour, catching up on the 11 years we had spent apart, not knowing whether the other was alive.

Its been almost a year since then. We still dont talk regularly but we manage to catch up once a month. And it feels like we are back again to those amazing days where we shared news and secrets over an orange ice cream, talking of things that really touched our lives. Thanks for being such a great friend!!!!!!!!!It really does mean a lot

Of Tales Untold

Iv been under a lot of stress for some time now. Im generally not the type to get bogged down by stress and create unnecessary tension for myself- although my husband completely disagrees- but I think Iv managed quite well. Until now. I know that lately I have been thinking of a lot of things and there is a lot on my mind- professional, personal, support system, in laws, parents but I thought everything was under control when just the other day a friend who knows me quite well turned around and told me I was nowhere close to the person she knew. I have always been very lively and jovial, trying to make a joke of everything in my life and laughing all my problems away. But it is only now that I hear myself so distinctly only cribbing and moping about everything in life, all the goddamn time- I spoke to a few people about this and surprisingly some of them told me to visit a counsellor. Well, I always believed that i could never pay someone to listen to me talk, but even my husband ( who refers to counsellors as shrinks and all doctors as quacks) turned to me and asked me to see someone for my stress. He said that a third person's perspective might be useful and help me see things as they were and not blow them out of proportion. I think he did it for his own good because I know that Iv been driving him completely mad for the last few days. This set me thinking and took me on this huge roller coaster ride of all the emotional baggage I was carrying.

Iv always been quite good academically. Iv done quite well right through school and also decently enough through high school also. The okay and mediocre result in 12th was not because I had not studied but because the board was screwed. It was at this point in my life that I met M, my husband. And my life was on its biggest roller coaster ride ever. I got admission into one of the most prestigious Eng departments in India and just missed my first class in my Bachelors by a slight margin. And my parents went on this complete tangent. They never liked M from the very first day they met him. And for no reason. They just hated him because they thought he was intellectually not upto the par and would be a complete mistake for my life. And the person that I was - I stuck to him like a leech because I wanted to and at the same time revelled in doing exactly the opposite of what my parents wanted. They blamed him for my low grades in college and when I achieved a first class Masters degree, they blamed him again for not letting me study or otherwise I would have come First Class First. They hated the sight of him and made it very evident that he would have nothing to do with my life. To the extent that M did not walk into my house for the 9 years that we knew each other before getting married and my father once got onto a parallel line and abused his whole family when I was speaking to him. And till this day I completely credit M for not abusing my dad in return or showing them an iota of disrespect to this day. If I was in his place, not only would I have abused the parents, I would have stopped seeing the person for whom I was taking this bull crap.

It was soon that my parents realised that I was extremely serious about marrying M and I would do so even if it meant walking out of the house for good. My mom relented and agreed on a marriage date. However, M and me wanted to get married on the day we had started seeing each other and this day does not fall under the auspicious part of the year according to hindus. We still went ahead and got married ON THAT DAY AND IN MY HOUSE. My dad, of course, the actor that he is, walked out of the wedding in full view of the guests. We just had a very small gathering of 25-30 people over lunch and the ceremony was over. Everybody who wanted to be in my mom's good books walked around the house looking like they had come to attend a funeral, instead of a marriage. It was thanks to a few close cousins and some sane friends and my happy in laws that I managed to go through the registry without abusing or killing anybody. Of course, my dad was on the phone with my mom because he wanted to come back home but wouldnt till I left. And even after we left for M's house in the evening, some of my closest aunts caught my best friend and interrogated her about M and his family and whether he would beat me to death soon.

My inlaws were always fond of me and continue to be so till today. My Mom- in Law is not my emotional anchor, no doubt, but I know I can go crying to her about something her son has said and done and she wont waste a minute screaming at her son if he is indeed in the wrong. Today my dad loves M. Mom holds no conversation with him but makes it a point to cook him all the bengali dishes that he likes- it is so wierd. And this hypocrisy takes a toll on me. I am in some ways like my mom- she is extremely jovial and can be the life of the party. Some of my cousins got married recently and my mom was there laughing, singing, dancing and having a ball. My own marriage has not only made me bitter towards wedding ceremonies but I just stood there looking at my mom in amazement, wndering why she could not be as happy for me. It hurt real bad and just pushed me away even further from their world.

Today, when I sit back and think of all that Iv gone through, its probably not been even 1 per cent as bad as someone else's life but its bad enough for me. Its made me a very bitter person and extremely cynical of things. And Im so scared that I wll become my mom. And to top it off, as I grow older, Im looking more and more like her. I never doubt the fact that they love me. I know they do but Im not ther ideal daughter. Because I didnt finish the Phd they always wanted to do- because i didnt get married to a doctor/engineer they could flaunt and because they cant tell me people what a lovely daughter they have. It does not make me sad- it makes me angry and hurt and te tears dont roll down from my eyes but sting them like they were needles poking through tight and taut shells. Everytime I dont succeed in life, whether its a quarrel with my doemstic help, or M, or whether I hate my job, or whether something I cook turns out a wee bit salty or slightly over cooked, I go down a few more notches in my own self esteem and hate myself for doing so............... wish I could live again.

I cant work

I really fail to understand where the problem lies..............I cant work- and when i say this, pl understand this is not a frivolous statement made on a hectic day of getting bogged down under tremendous pressure. But instead, it is a well calcualted thought out part of my personality that Im trying to come to terms with- WHAT THE HELL IS THE PROBLEM? Why cant I get myself to do something nice and work hard and enjoy my work? This is not to say that I dont enjoy work- I love working but I cant work for too long- I get tired very easily, not physically but emotionally. And god help if I take a dislike to the organisation or any person at any stage- that just spells disaster for me- I will cry all the way to work and all the while there, literally. And the only time the faintest hint of smile that will appear at the end of my lips will be when Im packing up to leave for the day. And this can continue for days.................and it usually ends in me quitting the job and looking for another one. Like a very close friend told me the other day- that my resume shall soon look like a 31st night party hopper. But Im smarter than that- I usually have the knack to be friendly and always manage to leave all orgs ( ok, most of them) on a very good note, as a result of which Im pals with a lot of my ex-bosses. So I called up thsi ex-boss in my hometown and told him that I was going to show my work ex for a longer period of time with his org than it was in reality- and did u know what he said? yes...........go ahead- and he solved one issue for me at that time.
But the problem lies somewhere else- I hate working for someone else- why should I waste my energy and time and put in so much of effort for something that I can use to my advantage. I work in a very niche sector and its something that does not affect the financila ups and downs of an organisation. So if I can use it to my advantage , why not? I think Ill just do that.........but I need some reassuarnce to give up a full time job and just freelance and maybe put in some part time hours also....For those of you who know me, please tell me what you feel considering the fact that you knw me so well and for those of u who dont, pl tell me anyway, is it me or does verybody feel this way?

FRIENDS and MORE

It’s very sad when you lose a friend in life. A friend who’s been there with you through thick and thin. A friend who’s understood what you want to say before you’ve even uttered a word. A friend who’s solved your worries by counting the creases on your face. And then one fine day it’s all over………….just like that. Some small argument and then the whole thing blows up in your face.
I lost a friend, a very dear friend. We have been friends almost from the time we were born. My first memories of us together are framed by the black and white photographs of us playing together, where the corners have curled up to leave a crease across the face. Maybe it’s just a co-incidence that the crease runs between the space that we both share in the photograph or maybe it’s just a sign that the relationship would never hold true or maybe it was a warning that we needed to iron out the creases just in time.
It all started a few years back when he started seeing women. He always had an opinion on everything in my life and I never minded that. Today, in retrospect I feel maybe that was the cause to our end. Maybe familiarity actually bred contempt. Like him, even I felt I had the right to comment on what he did with his life. And somehow I never liked the women he dated, except for one. And I told him so in very comprehensible terms. Maybe they were too old for him, or too shrewd, or too weird………and the list continued.
We moved on in life, pretending that the strains didn’t show. And like all other people we also moved onto other friends, explored other options. I always tried making him a part of my friend circle and he surprisingly got along like a house on fire with my boyfriend then, now my husband. But somehow, he could never adjust to my friend circle. He befriended them for some time, pretending all was gung ho but fell out soon because of some conflict he had with them. Theirs was a relationship which was independent of my existence and I thought it was best that I don’t interfere and mess up things further. Because all the people concerned were adults and had minds of their own. And I had no right to interfere in something that didn’t concern me. I. however, tried to talk to him when I felt things were going out of control but he never listened. He instead turned around and blamed me and my friends for bad mouthing him and his family, to the extent that his mother and sister got involved in it too and blamed me for the whole episode.
And things moved from bad to worse to the extent that he didn’t even come for my wedding because some others were there. He came, dropped his mom and left. I felt upset, very upset but realized that day that if he could not forget things and be happy for me on my day, maybe even I should let go and just move on. Maybe it was time to forge new relationships and keep the old one as pleasant memories in a safe corner of my soul to dig out and fondly remember in times of solitude. His friendship is an experience I love to keep for myself because till the time we were friends, we were also soul mates. There was no romantic connection but something somewhere told us that we understood and loved each other for what we were. I have lost him for good but I don’t think I will ever be able to let go of his friendship. SO what, if its just a memory?

ME

1. Yourself: Mostly pleasant
2. Your Partner: Makes me feel loved and wanted.
3. Your hair: Black
4. Your father: Has his moods but tries to be nice
5. Your mother: OTT
6. Your favorite item: My books
7. Your dream last night: Can’t remember
8. Your favorite drink: Vodka and diet coke
9. Your dream car: Red Ferrari
10. The room you are in : Is generally neat
11.Your Ex: Was full of hair
12.Your fear: Death
13.What you want to be in 10 yrs: Rich, succesful and famous
14. Who you hung out with last night: Marky Boy
15. What you’re not: Rude
16. Muffins: Yeah....with some whipped cream and choco chips
17. One of your wish list items: To stop being fickle about jobs
18. Time: is running out
19. The last thing you did: Spoke to Marky Boy
20. What are you wearing: Jeans and T-shirt
21. Your favorite weather: Monsoon in India
22. Your favorite book: Ooooh! cannot pick just one.
23. The last thing you ate/drank: A cup of tea
24. Your life: Needs to a bit more stabilised
25. Your mood: Swings wildly.
26. Your best friend: Marky Boy, PJ,JJ
27. What are you thinking about right now: My backache
28. Your car: is functional
29. What are you doing at the moment: Writing this tag
30. Your summer: Are excruciatingly tiresome
31. Your relationship status: Married
32. What is on your TV: Nothing as of now
33. What is the weather like: Hot and sultry
34. When was the last time you laughed: Last week- I really havent laughed for so long

Did you hear me when I called out
Or did you just pretend not to?
Did you see me when i cried
Or did you just pretend that i was smiling?
Did you ever want to pull me close
Or did you always think that I never needed your love?
Did you bring me here out of choice
Or was I a load you pulled across?

Life starts.............

I believe life starts afresh- every morning when i get up and see the morning sun peering in through the curtains, there is a sense of the arrival of a fresh beginning. I know I might sound a tad weird when i say this but honestly the sadness and the despair of life seems to give way to a bout of fresh air and a bright ray of hope. You might wonder if my life is filled with misery and I have a horrible marriage and a professional life- its nothing of the sort and this keeps me more bewildered. I have an amazing partner who I know loves me and I can fall back on for every small thing in my life. i have a job where I'm settled and I am not that bad a worker. But its a feeling of despair beyond all of this- something that I cannot recognize nor can i comprehend. Im not the type to be depressed about life and mourn and sulk. I try to be cheerful and positive, laughing at all the small thrills that life brings with it. But somebody had once told me this and today I really wonder if this is true- that one who laughs and smiles the most is the saddest in the lot and does all this just to put up a facade. It does scare me to my wits end and I only hope that its not true.